ideas

We can only imagine the glorious pranks, taunts and memes you awful bastards will give birth to.  And we absolutely cannot wait.

To get the ball rolling, here are some initial thoughts:

  • Gamify the Presidency.    Donald Trump has turned the American political system into a reality show.  It’s only fitting that we repay the favor by turning his Presidency into a ludicrous game.   Using the structure of Fantasy Football and other fantasy sports, we propose a worldwide contest to find the planet’s greatest Trump tormentors.  Correctly predict a Trump tweet in advance?  2500 points.  First reply to a Trump tweet?  5000 points.   A member of the Trump family replies to your Tweet?  10000 points.    Trump replies to your tweet?  50000 points.  Calls you a loser?  100000 points.

(By the way, we have a leader in the clubhouse.  Give it up for writer and performance artist Kristina Wong, who posted the first reply to the very first post on Trump’s POTUS account.   Bravo —  and 25,000 Points for you, Kristina!)

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  • Attack His Vanity.  You know that picture of Trump that he really hates?  The one that displays his triple chin?  This one:

That should everyone’s Twitter avatar.   It should on t-shirts.  It should be on billboards.  He should not be able to go a single day without seeing it.

  • Create New Language to Demean Him.   Remember when Dan Savage declared that, from this day forward, Santorum shall mean “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex”?  I bet Rick Santorum remembers.   What glorious neologisms can we create and set loose in the wild for Herr Drumpf?  And how much will it piss him off?  (Spoiler:  Quite a bit)
  • Fuck “Talk Like a Pirate Day”.  Let’s Make Trump Mocking a Global Event.    A day in which everyone dresses and acts like Trump (bonus points for tiny doll hands).  Or a day where everyone wears something yellow in solidarity with Trump’s love of watersports.

Operation Pig Roast: A Call to Comic Arms (and Tiny, Comic Hands)

“I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture.”

Eric “Otter” Stratton, Animal House

Let’s relive a moment together.

It’s Tuesday afternoon, January 10.   The moment you realize that the phrases “Donald Trump” and “Golden Shower” are now inextricably linked.  You check out Twitter and find that Patton Oswalt is all-fucking-over-it.  And so is pretty much everyone else on planet Earth with a sense of humor.

And then the barrage.  R. Kelly jokes.  PEEOTUS jokes.  Jokes about leaks, jokes about streaming.

But mostly we remember the gleeful, cathartic torrent of millions of people laughing at Donald Trump getting pissed on.

You know why it was so great, why it seemed to turn the tide away from despair?

Because it gave us power.  Because, for a moment, we could stop sitting in our corners and fretting about the future and do something that makes us feel more alive than anything else:

Pointing a finger at a giant asshole, laughing and saying FUCK YOU!

Like I said.  Power.

Now, under normal conditions, berating some a-hole is, at best, an ephemeral thrill.  But this?  This was sheer, extended magic.

The reason for that is at the core of a proposal we’ll make in this post.  A comedic effort — a Manhattan Project of Targeted Ridicule, if you will — that will take power from the digitally-challenged, angry carrot in the White House and place it back in the people’s hands.

The Core Thing We Need to Understand About Donald J. Trump

Donald Trump is many things, but tough to figure out he is not.  He’s transparent and predictable (how hard was it to know with absolute certainty that he’d attack Meryl Streep as “overrated”? ).

And here’s something we know without a shadow of doubt:

He wants to be adored.  Failing that, he wants to be feared.

There’s really not a whole hell of a lot more to the guy.   Either worship me or tremble before my feet.   And, as long as we who oppose him continue in a national chorus of “oh woe is me”, we are satisfying his needs.

But we also know what he truly hates and truly fears.

Mockery.

Mockery doesn’t fit into his binary view.  Mockery takes his power away, and boy does that freak him out.  His inability to withstand japery is legendary.  (Former Spy Editor Graydon Carter — and crafter of the “Short Fingered Vulgarian” monicker — reports that he continued to receive photos from Trump with his fingers circled and the inscription “See, normal sized hands!” for decades after Spy folded.)

We have the weapon that will take Trump down, reduce him to a quivering mess and, best of all, will hang around his neck until the the blessed day he sheds this mortal coil:

We must commit all our energies to turn Donald J. Trump into the biggest laughingstock in the history of the planet.    A punchline for the ages.

We must endeavor to use every resource at our disposal to drain his power by pointing a finger of ridicule at him that, every morning, afternoon and evening of his presidency says:

WE DON’T FEAR YOU

WE DON’T ANSWER TO YOU.

FUCK YOU.

donald-trump-seth-myers-white-house-correspondents-dinner-cspan

We propose a coordinated, non-stop comedic effort to endlessly plunge knives into Trump’s achilles heel, and knock him off his game.  To mock him so completely that his opponents are permanently emboldened, and his ability to follow through with his nefarious plans blunted.

We must destroy him using the very tool he fears the most.

Comedy at his expense.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to ensure that, everywhere he goes, Donald Trump will be met by a metaphorical wagging finger of derision.  A mockery so intense and targeted that not even the confines of his piss-soaked bed can offer him relief.

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We have been called by history, ladies and gentlemen,  We must now all be inspired by that great American Nelson Muntz.   Ready to stand by, point a righteous finger of patriotism and laugh heartily at our crotch-grabbing, Tic Tac gobbling occupant of the Oval Office.

We give you an idea so juvenile, so ridiculous and so half-baked that it just might work:

OPERATION PIG ROAST

We envision Operation Pig Roast to be a centralized effort — a clearinghouse —  to develop, curate, coordinate and promote comedic efforts to cut Combover Man down to size.  A place where creative folks can offer ideas, suggestions, memes, videos, songs, jokes and other arrows aimed at our Dear Leader’s achilles heel, and have those contributions amplified and distributed.

A community of the likeminded, and a place to act as a wellspring of mockery that will give Trump no relief from a barrage of taunts and jabs.

Childish?  Sure.  Mean spirited?  Most definitely.  Not in keeping with the American tradition of respect for the Presidency and proper decorum?  Absolutely.

But enough about Trump.  Let’s talk about Operation Pig Roast.

Operation Pig Roast will be a think-tank, much like the Heritage Foundation but with slightly more urine-related content.  A place for comedic ideas to be tossed out, voted on and put into action.  A roiling pot of primordial ooze from which the memes, jokes and pranks that will ultimately crush Trump’s soul will be born.

It will be more than a list of jokes and pranks.  By upvoting ideas and planning the timing and execution of these ideas, we can assure that first-rate Trump mockery receives much wider attention and participation.   Brilliant ideas that otherwise might die on the vine if they fail to spread virally will now have a launching pad — and a community of Trump-loathing smartasses ready to take action.

We certainly envision Operation Pig Roast to be much larger than us, and we claim no ownership of it — only a desire to set off a spark that can lead to Donald Trump’s utter humiliation.

So here’s what we’ve done:

We’ve started a Facebook Group that anyone who wants to be part of this effort can join. And we’ve even seeded it with a few initial ideas to get under the President’s skin.  Once we’ve assembled a good number of you together, we can start talking about where we go from here.

If you’d like to lead, participate, or have any ideas about how best to coordinate the comic genius of the planet that is currently being wasted writing spec scripts for Adult Swim and put it toward something useful, go and join the Facebook group right now.

OPERATION PIG ROAST FACEBOOK GROUP

And start commenting and posting.  And then tell your funny friends.  

Plus, there’s a bonus.  If you help save the world by using your wit to take down an actual villain, comedy writers may go down in history as legit heroes.  And some of you will even get laid as a result.

Some of you.

Onward!

PS:  Our twitter feed is https://twitter.com/OpPigRoast

 

Writing For Teens – Finding Humor Among the Melodrama

It seems when kids turn 13, one word sums up their lives: melodrama. Emotions hover on the surface; every event is huge. Adults are idiots who don’t understand them, and their classmates are constantly watching to make sure they don’t do anything stupid (which includes wearing the wrong clothes to saying the wrong thing to listening to the wrong music). Oh. My. God. As adults on the receiving end of this hysteria, we may roll our eyes or deliberately show up at Back to School Night with wet hair, just to see our child’s response. But as authors, we can mine the drama for its flip side: humor.


Read more of Laura’s article at EzineArticles…….

Are You Really Ready to Send Your Manuscript to a Children’s Book Publisher?

At a recent session of the Children’s Authors’ Bootcamp workshop that I co-teach with author Linda Arms White, one of the attendees asked me how an author knows when her story is ready to submit to children’s book publishers. My facetious, off-the-cuff answer had something to do with a beam of light shining down from above, illuminating the manuscript. I then went on to try to answer the question in earnest, ending with, “The first time you think your manuscript is finished, it never is.” There isn’t a writer alive who hasn’t wished for some sort of literary oven in which to place their manuscript, knowing when the timer goes off it’s done. Unfortunately, there is no such objective measurement for good writing. Therefore, the best advice I can give is to get as much input on your completed manuscript as possible before putting it in the mail. Writing is a solitary endeavor, with authors carefully guarding their ideas and feeling tremendous ownership of the finished project. As they should. But in order for a manuscript to become a book, it has to pass muster with many people, from editors to sales reps to accountants to art directors. Once in book form, those ideas must then appeal to reviewers, bookstore owners, librarians and consumers, not to mention kids. No matter how stellar you think your writing is, if others don’t share your opinion, your manuscript will never make it farther than your file cabinet. The first “second reader” of what you write is you. You need to remove your author’s hat and adopt the reader’s viewpoint. You can’t do this as soon as you’ve written the last word of the manuscript. Put some distance between yourself and the project. Take time off, start working on something else. Then read the work and try to measure it against what you consider to be high standards. Does the pacing compare to a published work in the same genre by an author you admire? Are the characters as fully developed as those by acclaimed authors writing for this age group? Does the dialogue actually sound like words real, live people you know might say? If you wrote an outline for your book, compare the finished plot to what you intended to write from the outline. Did you leave out any important elements? Did you add anything that’s unnecessary? If you’re writing nonfiction, did you do enough research, or did you have to pad areas with “filler”? Then, take your book out into the world. The first stop should be your writer’s group. Ideally, this is comprised of people who are all writing and/or studying children’s books. Listen to their comments and take them seriously. You don’t have to make any suggested changes, but you should consider the reasons for changes offered by the readers. If more than one reader doesn’t understand a plot twist, doesn’t believe a character would act a certain way, can’t accurately visualize a setting, it’s your problem, not theirs. It doesn’t matter how inspired the idea is inside your head; if you can’t accurately communicate this idea on paper, no one will ever pick up your book. This process of frank editing and honest critique can take several rounds before the book is “done.” Ending the process too soon will only lead to frustration and rejection letters. Declaring “I just have to find an editor who understands my book” can be just as bad. Yes, a good author/editor fit is important to the success of any book, but once you decide you want to get your work published, it ceases to be a solitary exercise. You have to know that your story makes sense to other people, and the only way to do this is to get input from outside yourself and consider it carefully. In the end, no book is ever really finished. I’ve spoken with many published authors who wish they could take back their books for one more run though the editing mill. Every time we write we improve our skills a little more. One final aspect then, of knowing when a book is done, is learning to walk that fine line between making it better and letting it go. Learn to recognize when a manuscript is as strong as you can make it, and then send it out and begin your next masterpiece



Interested in learning how to write a book and send it to children’s book publishers? Come on over to The CBI Clubhouse for audios, videos, insider writing tips and much, much more!

What Does Apple’s iPad Mean for Writers?

iPad


When Steve Jobs and his crew at Apple set out to change the technological landscape, they usually succeed. That’s why it’s absolutely vital that all writers pay close attention to their new “tablet”, the iPad.


This could be the gizmo that changes everything about the way newspapers, magazines and books — yes, even children’s books — are experienced.


I’ve found some links that will help you understand what this potentially game-changing product is about. The more you know now, the better positioned you’ll be for the future.

Here you go: What It Looks Like to Read a Book on the Apple iPad – Video: http://i.gizmodo.com/5458329/what-it-looks-like-to-read-a-book-on-the-apple-ipad-+-video Apple’s iPad: What book lovers need to know: http://shelf-life.ew.com/2010/01/27/all-you-need-to-know-about-apples-ipad/ Apple iPad: Books, Magazines, Movies and Music: http://i.gizmodo.com/5458263/apple-ipad-books-magazines-movies-and-music



Interested in learning how to write a book and send it to children’s book publishers? Come on over to The CBI Clubhouse for audios, videos, insider writing tips and much, much more!